my endless war…
“Thought to myself: oh shit! it’s already 6 dammit! need to go home, need to start my routine, need to…”
This was 14 yrs. ago, back when I was in my first year in highschool. When I weighed not more than 60 lbs. at 4’10 flat. Hurrying her way home wearing her too-large Catholic school uniform in long sleeves and skirt, worked for her stick-thin limbs and legs. A typical profile of an anorexic girl at her very early teens. Yep, I was an anorexic and I was only twelve. It’s the most common eating disorder among teens then and now. For me it was never common though neither was my endless pursuit to be thin. I know, I know most of you will think almost all teenage girls go thru this and it’s a normal phase of a teenage girl’s life some might say.
Always envied sexy women when I was young and even until now. Always felt the slight tinge of anger everytime I see clothes that may not fit or somehow will not look ‘right’ on me. Why can’t I be like them(hour-glass figured Eves), why can’t I just be a fuckin’ ‘slim-figured’ woman?! To be honest I’m not that fat, that I know but I’m not also thin. Well at least not thin enough to fit size 4 clothes. I am what you call plump’ or for those who are just-too-nice-to-offend-you, the ‘voluptuous’ type.
At 12, I already had the sense of vanity that made me into an anorexic kid coz i just got freakin’ sick of being called ‘fat’ . After school I would hurry my way home so I can start my daily routine of exercising myself to death for an hour or two and drinking my favorite concoction of ‘almost-pureed’ lemonjuice not even bothering to put at least some sugar in it, yup, drank a whole tumbler of it for dinner and that’s all it was. After two months of eating only skimpy amounts of recess food, exercising after school and drinking my favorite lemon juice I at last turned to my desired skinny li’l self. I had 11″ for a waist and sticks for limbs and yet everytime I looked in the mirror I wanted more… saw myself as the same ole fat kid that I hated myself to be, so I stopped eating(well, not really coz I ate junk food at school). After a month I was starting to slip: my nails blue, losing my hair, not having my period, couldn’t concentrate at school and I was still wanting more! That’s when my mom decided that she had to stop all this non-sense or so it was. I was hospitalized and was forced-fed. I did get well after a month or so but from then on I wouldn’t be the same again. My metabolism’s become so erratic I could easily lose or gain weight at anytime. A price I have to pay for being that silly insecure li’l girl I was.
Have I learned from that experience? Will I never do that again? Hell no, until now I’m on that pursuit to the ultimate slim figure, to wear the clothes I want and to be looked at as sexy. Been on God-knows how many diets that never seemed to work or if they had, only temporarily. Maybe that’s all they are, temporary. And I guess some people just don’t get contentment in what they have and I’m one of them. Like so many women of ages, I choose to continue waging my endless war…
Waiting for illusive sleep... 
Mayang, you must obsess over bloggin now, not your figure! It is much healthier. I know women are constantly barraged by unrealistic images but trust me, men do not want stick thin women. Men want a real woman, so be true to yourself and find happiness in what you want, not in chasing what you think others want from you.
indeed what I'm fighting for is unrealistic Mr. Angry. I have always been proud of myself and what I can do to the point of being called a 'smart-ass' more often than I wanted. I have always gone against the norm and the stereotypical almost all my life. but not on this dept., human as I am I have succumbed to the greatest vanity of women then and now, to have that 'perfect figure'!
it is an endless war, and I sense it can't be won that's why I honestly believe I found the beauty of blogging at a very good time, to channel my insecurities, frustrations and woes in life thru writing. 🙂
I TAG YOU!:-)
ahaha now whos’s IT?! thnks, flattered! hehe 😀
I am 59 years old… I’ve been fat, I’ve been skinny, I’ve been inbetween. I’ve rarely been satisfied because in my eyes I’ve never been ‘perfect’. So my phylosophy now is “if you don’t like me, don’t look”. AND “if you don’t like me – fuck you in the neck with a stairmaster.”
love it.
you must see this post to see why i love it: http://eteraz.wordpress.com/2006/04/03/back-to-patriarchy/
by the way, i totally did not understand your one comment on my wife wanted post.
Glad you seem to know it isn’t a battle you “win”, you learn to get a better balance in time. By the way, having looked at your flickr stream, you shouldn’t worry, you are cute. I have a friend who would marry you in a second!
still fighting?1
The war against fat is never won. Too many girls, too many women, they want to be something they’re not. I could never just say “Mayang, you’re a grown woman, you’re beautiful, get over it”- this would not help you but God knows how many people have said it. But I have seen your photos- you have such a pretty face with nice features and captivating eyes- everyone has bad parts, why not focus on the good? But you don’t listen to me now, you hear? For I am one of those silly girls, always wanting bigger boobs, smaller thighs- one day I’ll post a pic of myself, but until then- I love your blog!!
p.s. why am i not on your blogroll?!?!
you are hon, it’s Sundog! i love reading your posts too much not to put you in my blogroll right away! guess i’ll have to change to happy chik so u’ll notice it right away! 😉
yo’re right countless women of ages have tried to be what they’re not and so am i. thanks for the nice things you said, heart-warming and sweet i’m touched! well, i guess we’re just too hard-headed to believe that we look alright to other people bec. we become blind and deaf wanting to be more than what we are. but i’m getting tired of trying , i think it’s time i listen to what people has been telling me. i jst hope it sticks to me this time! hehe 😀